


Dating, Torchwood Style

by cjulina



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-01-17 08:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1380661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjulina/pseuds/cjulina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dinner and a movie.  Easy right?  Not if you work for Torchwood</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Attempt 1 - Dinner and a Movie

Jack wanted to laugh at himself. He'd been so nervous when he'd asked Ianto out on a date. His anxiety had only heightened after the young man had agreed. Since then he had been working himself up to a nervous breakdown sweating over the details. Jack had booked and cancelled over a half dozen reservations in his search for the perfect restaurant. Choosing a movie had been equally nerve wracking. So many options. A romantic comedy might be too forward at this point. Slasher horror? Absolutely not the sort of mood he was trying to set. Science Fiction? Too close to reality for their kind of work. He'd ended up choosing a comedic action flick that had gotten reasonably good reviews. 

But it seemed that there had been no need for all the nervous fretting. Ianto, sitting across from him, sipped from his glass of red wine with that rare lift of lips which stated, so much clearer than words, that the evening so far was everything Ianto had wanted. And Jack, finally, found himself relaxing, confident the evening would go smoothly.

The waiter had just finished removing their starter plate when Jack noticed Ianto staring at the front of the restaurant with a puzzled expression. "What is Gwen doing here?"

Jack's head spun around just as the former cop barged into the crowded establishment. _No! Nononono. This cannot be happening._ Jack's hopes for a perfect, and uneventful, evening were nearly crushed as he spied the rift energy scanner in Gwen's hand.

"Oh!" Gwen skidded to a stop as she reached their table. "Hi ya! So this is where you decided for dinner. Good choice. I hear the pasta is handmade." She unsuccessfully tried to hide the scanner behind her back. "So, um, I'm going to, uh, go over there," she pointed towards the kitchen doors, "and, erm, talk with the chef about catering my wedding."

She hadn't taken two steps when Jack's irritated voice stopped her. "Gwen!"

"It's nothing, really. Just a bit of flotsam came through the rift. Tosh is certain it's harmless. Well, mostly harmless. You two go back to your dinner and I'll just find whatever it is and be on my way."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded emphatically. "Absolutely. Don't let this ruin your date."

Jack hesitated until he saw Ianto nod emphatically in agreement with Gwen. "Okay. Just be discreet."

"If I may," Ianto interjected. "I believe the object you're looking for is over there." He gave a circumspect nod towards the bar. Nestled in amongst the many wine bottles was an ordinary looking fist-sized rock. Well, ordinary looking if Earth rocks were sickly split pea soup colored with nauseous neon pink lines pulsating along its surface.

Gwen gave them a gap-toothed grin. "I'll just grab it and get back to the Hub. Enjoy your date." She walked off just as the waiter placed their entrees, a wood grilled steak for Ianto and pasta primavera for Jack, in front of them.

The two men stayed tense until Gwen snatched the alien rock-like object and shoved it into her jacket pocket. In tandem they both released sighs of relief and then chuckled. 

"Potential disaster averted," Ianto said as he picked up his knife and fork, preparing to cut into the succulent steak.

Jack speared some broccoli, and nearly dropped the fork as a gruff German accented voice sounded. Ow! Ow! Owwww!"

Ianto's astonished gaze flew from the broccoli spear to his steak as it, in a distinctly Jamaican voice, started to apologize profusely. "I would suggest you send me back to the kitchen. You wanted me medium-well but I fear I am merely rare. You won't enjoy consuming me."

At the table next to them, a woman's tiramisu began to chide her. "Take my advice, Lady, and skip dessert. You're starting to pack on the pounds. Perhaps you should start eating more salads."

Jack's broccoli gave a guttural "Humph!" before loudly exclaiming, "We all know how the vegetables feel about that!"

Chaos, naturally, erupted as patrons and wait staff started screaming as all the entrees, starters, and desserts began to chatter.

"Gwen!" Jack's bellow could barely be heard over the ear shattering volume. "Tell Tosh and Owen to get over here and tell Owen to bring a bucket load of Retcon. We're going to need it."

Ianto's only response to the pandemonium was to down his glass of wine with one large gulp. As he stood, he paused for a moment, reached down and grabbed the three-quarters full bottle, glugging down a good portion before he headed off to deal with crowd control.

Five hours later, Jack was stacking the last of the vegetable crates in the kitchen's cooler. _How the hell am I going to justify the expense of restocking an entire restaurant? Especially when those bastards charged us quadruple for the late night delivery._ Jack shrugged. _I'll leave that to Ianto to sort out._

He weaved his way through the restaurant, careful to not disturb any of the Retcon-induced sleeping patrons and staff. "So Tosh, you're absolutely certain that none of the food is sentient?"

"Absolutely. Best guess, the alien device is some sort of gag gift. It just gives the illusion that food can talk."

Jack scowled. "Yeah, it turned out to be a real funny joke."

He walked outside, spying Ianto loading rubbish bags into the back of the SUV. "I'm really sorry our date got ruined."

Ianto continued to pack away the bags. "Ianto?" Jack tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh, sorry." Ianto reached up and pulled tiny plugs out of his ears. "After the forty-second chorus of _Yes, We Have No Bananas Today_ I needed some relief.

"Don't!" But it was too late. Both men sighed as voices started enthusiastically singing from the bags, _Yes we have no bananas ... We have no bananas today ... We have string beans and onion Cabbages and scallions ... And all kinds of fruit, and say ..._

Jack kicked one of the bags. "Enough!" The singing food quieted down abruptly.

"This evening turned out to be," Ianto paused as he searched for the perfect word.

Jack scowled. "A disaster?"

Ianto laughed. "Well, I was thinking more along the line of unique but disaster certainly does sum it up rather well."

Jack just couldn't let go of his bad mood. "All I wanted was a nice, quiet night out with you. Is that too much to ask?"

"You know what they say?" Ianto replied with a tired but amused gleam in his eyes.

"What's that?"

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

Jack grinned. "How very true. Give me a few days to figure something out and we'll give going out on a date another shot."


	2. Attempt 2 - Concert Under the Stars

The setting for their second attempt at a date had been a fairly easy decision for Jack to make. Helped along by the fact that flyers for the concert began springing up just about everywhere in the Hub. Stuck in the middle of the monthly costing reports he needed to sign off on. Used as a makeshift plate for his afternoon biscuits. Taped to the door of the loo. It seemed Jack couldn't set his eyes anywhere without spying one of the flyers advertising _A Night Under the Stars with Glenn Miller_. Not one to ignore providence (nor Ianto's unsubtle hint), Jack quickly booked two tickets.

The evening could not have been more ideal. Neither too warm, nor too cool, with just a light breeze to comfortably caress the skin. The night sky was unmarred by clouds, stars twinkling brightly, the full moon cast the area in a beautiful soft glow.

The two men had set their blanket slightly away from the rest of the crowd, creating a tiny bubble of isolation and intimacy. Jack, with his legs extended, braced himself up with his outstretched arms. Ianto was sprawled halfway across him, his back firmly pressed to Jack's chest, while he nibbled on the last of his chicken salad sandwich.

"This was an excellent idea, Jack. Glad you came up with it." Ianto's eyes twinkled teasingly.

Jack chuckled. "You really must learn to be more subtle, though I would never have expected you to be interested in Glenn Miller."

He gave a negligent shrug. "I'm learning to have an appreciation for the time period. I do, after all, really love your coat." Merriment flared in his eyes. "Besides, I thought this would be a vast improvement to the disastrous dinner and a show last week."

"Dinner and a movie. It was supposed to be dinner and a movie."

His lips lifted into a teasingly mischievous grin. "Ah, yes, but instead we ended up with no meal and a show that turned out be an endless repetition of _Yes, We Have No Bananas_."

"Don't remind me," Jack groaned. "I haven't been able to get that tune out of my head all week."

Ianto lifted up and pressed a soft, sultry kiss to his lips. "Then tonight should help with that."

He settled back down against Jack's chest as the orchestra finally took the stage. Soon the two men were lost in the notes of _Midnight Serenade_. Jack waited until the chords of _In the Mood_ sounded to begin his seduction of the young man pressed against him. He leaned down, his lips close to Ianto's ear, humming the tune softly. At the same time, Jack lifted one hand and lightly trailed his fingers up Ianto's arm, the sort of not-quite-there touch that he knew would raise goose bumps along the pale skin and send coursing surges throughout his body.

Jack had been hoping for a low moan of desire. He'd of even settled for a hitch of breath. Instead he got a body which violently tensed, springing upright so quickly he nearly crashed his head into Jack's chin. "Weevil!" was the softly hissed accompaniment to the movement.

Jack's gaze followed Ianto's, settling on the form of a Weevil standing perfectly still at the edge of the crowd, its head slightly cocked as if listening intently.

"Shit!" Jack scrambled for his mobile, speed dialing Owen.

The call was answered on the first ring. Without preamble, the medic's frenzied voice sounded. "Jack. Can't talk right now. We have a major situation ..." Owen trailed off as muffled yells could be heard in the background. Jack could tell Owen was holding his mobile away from his face but could still clearly hear when he responded to the yells with, "Their date's tonight? Bugger!"

Jack heard Owen take a calming breath before he began speaking into the mobile. "Did I say major situation? What I meant was minor issue. Nothing the girls and I can't handle on our own."

Ianto hissed, "Jack!" once again, pointing frantically at various points around the grounds. The one lone Weevil had now been joined by at least three dozen more. Before either man could yell a warning to the hundreds of people watching the concert, the Weevils, in mass, surged forward.

Jack started running, managing to get a total of five strides in, before skidding to a horrified halt. "They can't be! Oh, that is DISGUSTING!"

"Jack! What's going on? What's happening?" Owen's alarmed voice sounding tinny through the forgotten mobile clutched in his hand.

"Owen, bring a truckload of Retcon. We're gonna need it."

"Why?"

"The Weevils are having an orgy."

OOO

Jack gazed with envy over the sleeping audience, wishing that he too could suppress the memory of this evening via the aid of Retcon. He pointedly ignored the 'show' that was still going on in the middle of Cardiff Castle's grounds as he walked over to sit beside Owen.

"Any guess why this," he waved a hand towards the still seething mass, "is happening?"

Owen didn't bother to pull his eyes away from the game he was playing on his mobile. "Best guess? I've always suspected that some sort of sub-harmonic call brought on Weevil mating season."

"And?" Jack asked tiredly.

"Seems like the cadence and tempo of the music closely mimicked the mating call." Owen glanced over with an impish grin. "To sum up, Glenn Miller's _In the Mood_ actually got the Weevils in the mood."

Jack lifted a mock angry fist at the snarky medic. "So not funny." He left the medic and wandered over to where Ianto was sitting.

"Hey."

Ianto looked up, with eyes a bit wild but with a touch of amusement. "Hey."

"Didn't turn out to be the kind of night we'd hope for, did it?"

Ianto gave a huff as Jack settled beside him. "You could say that again." He ran a flustered hand through his hair. "Still. Third time's the charm, right?"

Jack was flabbergasted. "You mean, you'd give this another try?"

"Of course."

_This one is going to go off without a hitch. It will be perfect. I will not be thwarted again!_


	3. Attempt 3 - Afternoon Cruise

3rd Attempt - Afternoon Cruise

Jack's hands clenched the railing so tightly it was surprising the thick metal wasn't groaning in protest. His hawk-like gaze fixated on the retreating marina, eyes searching for any potential threat.  Every muscle tensed for action, he barely permitted himself to draw air as the cruise ship sailed away from the dock.

The options for a third attempt at a date had been narrowed down to nearly nothing. Risk of Weevils eliminated a good portion of Cardiff.  The Rift, too, had been factored into the decision making process.  As with Weevils, its area of influence purged many options - all of Cardiff and most of the outlying areas were removed from consideration as a result.  Practically, the only reasonably safe choice was an afternoon cruise.  Still risky since the Rift extended somewhat into the Bay.

Nothing had been left to chance. At Jack's order, Gwen had conducted thorough background checks on the three crewmen, successfully convincing Jack to not cancel based on the fact that one of the crew had a five year old minor traffic violation charge.  Tosh had inspected the boat, going over every inch to ensure that the engines were in perfect working order, the hull sound, and there were no mysterious devices which might cause mayhem.  Owen had been tasked with scanning every single passenger as they boarded.  Jack wasn't going to risk a Slitheen, Zygon, or Nostrovite sneaking aboard.  He had even asked (more like ordered) UNIT to step up their patrols in the area.

"Jack, relax. We're supposed to be enjoying ourselves, remember?"

"Not yet, Ianto." Jack spared a half-second to flick his gaze towards his wrist strap.  "We'll be beyond the Rift in two minutes forty-two seconds."

Ianto gave a sigh and wandered away to converse with some of the other passengers. Passengers who, understandably, were giving the anxious Jack a wide berth.  If Jack moved starboard, the crowd drifted aft.

_Almost there. Just a little longer._

While the ship continued to chug onward, Jack calmed at infinitesimal degrees as the seconds ticked away. Slowly, bit by bit, the Torchwood leader began to believe that, finally, everything would go to plan.  As his scowl gradually shifted to a grin, he released his death grip on the railing.

He was just turning towards Ianto, completely calming as the probability of all perceived threats reduced to near nil, when his mobile began trilling. His fierce scowl reappeared as he eyed the caller ID.

"Tosh, whatever it is, make it go away. Nothing, I repeat, _nothing_ is going to ruin this date.  Do I make myself clear?"

"Doing the best I can, Jack," was her slightly preoccupied response. "UNIT Coast Guard has detected an anomaly in your general area and is moving to investigate.  With any luck, they'll take care of it before it reaches your location."

"With any luck?" Jack sneered. "Not likely considering I've had nothing but abysmal luck trying to have an uneventful date with Ianto."  He began scanning the open water, barely spying the fast approaching UNIT vessel in the remote distance.  Unfortunately, the tremendously large wake it pursued was considerably closer, moving even more quickly, and its path unerringly headed towards the small cruise ship.

"Tosh! Tell UNIT to hur..."  Jack's orders were abruptly cut-off by his resounding scream.  (A very manly, heroic scream Jack was pleased to note.)  Chaos broke out on the tiny deck with passengers and crew joining Jack in screaming.  Bodies dived for what little cover was available as the vessel nearly capsized from the gigantic wave that washed across it.

Ianto miraculously appeared by Jack's side and the two Torchwood employees stared in astonishment at the cause of the panic. Out of the now turbulent water emerged a massive body that dwarfed the cruise ship.  An impossible long, snake-like neck rose to loom over the deck where petrified passengers sprawled.  Terrified screams rang out as everyone focused on the tiny head filled with long, dagger-like teeth.

Jack lifted his mobile back to his face. "Tosh, tell Owen to bring a boatload of Retcon.  Ianto and I's date just got ruined by the Loch Ness Monster."

OOO

Jack stepped off the fishing boat, ignoring the loud slosh from his water-soaked shoes. He did not, however, disregard the emergency personnel rushing to assist him.  To them, he gave an especial baleful scowl that sent them scurrying around him to aid the other rescued passengers from the cruise ship.

Jack had initially hoped that this latest incident could be easily contained. Just a few dozen passengers and the three crewmen had witnessed the appearance of the Plesiosaur (Ianto had smugly corrected Jack as to the true identity of the prehistoric creature).  Unfortunately, just before the UNIT vessel had enticed the dinosaur to follow it into deeper waters, the creature had playfully struck the cruise ship with one of its mighty flippers.  The result was a large breach in the steel-enforced hull.  While Ianto helped the crew distribute life jackets, Jack had ordered Tosh to mobilize the fishing fleet to rescue everyone from the now sinking boat.

_Could this day get any worse?_   He took in the crammed marina with an even more intense glower.  It seemed as if half of Cardiff had decided to come to gawk at this latest bizarre incident.  His glare focused up into the sky when he heard the unmistakable _thuwp thuwp_ of helicopter blades slicing through the air.  Jack let out an angry growl as he noticed a TV cameraman eagerly filming aerial shots of the marina.

"Tosh!" He spied her, standing calm and unruffled, in the midst of the surging crowds, her ever-present tablet in her hand.  "Jam that signal right now."

"Already taken care of. Gwen's on her way to the landing pad to confiscate the film and Retcon everyone on board.  Owen had the Police cordon off all exits but one.  He's busy distributing Retcon as people leave and I'm busy creating a cover story should we miss anyone."

Jack calmed somewhat with the realization that the team was skillfully handling this latest crisis. "So what's the cover story this time?"

"Sci-Fi movie being filmed in the area."

"Again?" he scoffed.

She gave a negligent shrug. "If it ain't broke ...  People accept the story so why change tactics now?"  She gave him a slightly irritated glance.  "Look, I'm busy Jack.  Go check on Ianto and leave me to my work.  He's being checked over by Emergency personnel."  Tosh turned her attention back to the tablet, completely ignoring him.

Jack weaved through the excited crowd, eager to see that Ianto was okay but, at the same time, dreading what was about to occur. What _had_ to occur.  When he reached the young man's side, Jack hesitated, loathe to say what must be said.

Unlike the two previous failed dates, Ianto's eyes held no hint of amusement at the latest state of affairs. He opened and closed his mouth several times, searching for, and unable to find, just the right words.

Jack hardened himself before speaking. "The cliché you're looking for this time is _Three strikes and you're out._ "

It took no more than a millisecond for Ianto to figure out the meaning behind those words. "Jack, no!  You can't mean it."

"Can't I? Ianto, this has been nothing but disaster after disaster.  All I wanted was to do this right.  The only thing that kept me going while I was away was thoughts of Torchwood, of the team, but mostly it was thoughts of you.  Of courting you properly.  Of showing you how important you are to me.  Of ... oh, what does it matter now?  The Gods have spoken.  The Universe has had a nice little laugh at my expense.  Call it karma coming to bite me on the arse.  It should be more than clear to you that _this_ , that you and I are not meant to be and I can't tempt fate anymore."  Jack's shoulders slumped in defeat, grief and regret evident as he turned and walked away.

He failed to see the fierce determination etched on Ianto's face.

 

TBC in Revisiting a Classic


	4. Attempt 4 - Revisiting a Classic

Attempt 4 - Revisiting a Classic 

Jack was having a miserable night. Truth be told, he had felt nothing but despair since walking away from Ianto. He still firmly believed he had done the right thing but that didn't make the situation any easier to bear. The Fates had had a jolly good laugh at his expense, proving to him three times over that pursuing anything with Ianto was a recipe for catastrophe. Nonetheless, it hurt. 

Even his plan of spending the night brooding atop a tall building had been a bust. He'd hoped to purge himself of the despondency. To finally, and irrevocably, let go of the dream that was not meant to be. To free himself of the intense longing he felt for the young man. Unfortunately, the building he had thought he'd chosen at random turned out not to be so random. He'd stood there, braced against the cold wind, staring intently at a single point, only to realize after an hour that the object that had him so captivated was the very building that housed Ianto's flat. 

So it was that he found himself dejectedly shuffling down the corridor towards the cog wheel door. _I have to let it go ... have to let_ him _go. But how?_

As the cog was rolling open, Jack heard the distinct, and unexpected, soft sound of clanging metal. Even more unexpectedly, was the not at all soft sounds of cursing. Cursing being uttered by a Welsh male voice. It took no time to locate the still swearing Welshman inside the cavernous Hub. Near the ratty sofa, he stood, a reel with a trail of film dangling down in one hand and the other shaking a fist at an antique film projector. 

"Ianto?" 

The irritation melted from the young man's face when he spotted Jack. "You're back sooner than I expected. I'd hoped to have everything set up before you returned." He paused to give the projector a contemptuous glare. "Give me a hand, will you? I may be brilliant at a great many thing but, apparently, I'm rubbish with this contraption." 

So taken aback by Ianto's easygoing manner, Jack was moving towards the projector before he even realized what he was doing. He took the reel and began loading it onto the front mount. "Sure. But why exactly am I doing this?" 

"For our date," Ianto replied matter-of-factly. 

Fear and trepidation so intensely ran down Jack's spine that he wanted to scramble to the armory in reaction. Given the calamities of the previous attempts, the big guns just might be necessary. "Ianto, I can't. I just can't. You know what happened the last times I tried to take you on a date. I can't tempt fate again." 

Refusing to be deterred, Ianto entered Jack's personal space, until they were nearly nose to nose. "Well, it's not you asking this time. I'm doing the asking and the Fates, any and all deities, the universe, and karma can just kiss my arse." When there was no reply, Ianto sucker-punched him with the one question he couldn't, wouldn't evade. "Answer just one question, Jack. Am _I_ worth the risk?" 

Jack stared at the steel-gray eyes riveted to his own. He just couldn't bring himself to lie to himself, to Ianto any longer. "Yes," was the whispered response. "Even if it means causing a rip in the space time continuum, destroying the entire universe in the process, you are worth it." 

With a succinct nod, Ianto stepped back and headed towards the kitchenette. "Good. I'm glad we've got this nonsense settled finally. Now, you finish setting up the movie while I take care of dinner." 

Jack grinned as he finished threading the film through the projector. With a slightly raised voice so Ianto could hear him in the kitchen, he asked, "So, dinner and a movie. That the best you could come up with?" 

"Nothing wrong with revisiting a classic." He appeared at the top of the steps leading to the kitchenette, a bottle lifted in one hand. "I'm having a beer. Would you prefer coffee or a glass of water?" 

Jack thought for a moment, a slight cock to his head. "You know, if I'm risking the destruction of the entire universe, I might as well go all the way. Grab a beer for me too." He continued fiddling with the projector. "So what's the movie?" 

"No idea," Ianto said, as he place a food laden tray on the coffee table. "Found a bin full of film canisters in the archives. This one was labeled _Silent Films Compilation_. Seemed a better choice than _The Life Drama of the Fly_." 

Jack gave a snort. "Yeah, I don't think either of us would enjoy the world's first public health film." He looked down at the spread of food. "And it seems dinner is to be every edible leftover in the fridge." 

"Better than letting it go to waste," he replied a bit defensively. "Start the damned movie and join me over here." 

Jack did as he was ordered, snagging the last kebob before Ianto could. "Oh! Charlie Chaplin. I love Charlie Chaplin." He got caught up watching _The Kid_ , a film he hadn't seen in nearly a century. 

There was no more chatter as one silent short turned into another. Jack sat, ramrod straight, afraid to even accidently brush against Ianto, lest calamity occur. When he felt the warm caress of Ianto's lips on his neck, he sharply inhaled. Only to release the breath an instant later in a soft moan as teeth began to nibble. "Ianto ..." 

Pulling back slightly, Ianto reached up, turning Jack's face towards him. "Shut up, Jack." He gave Jack no opportunity to argue by occupying his lips with an almost carnal kiss. Film forgotten, they kissed and caressed, mildly groping from time to time. Eventually they were stretched across the sofa. Everything was progressing nicely until Jack started to undo the buttons on Ianto's shirt. 

"Hold it right there," Ianto panted as he sat up. "There's a 21st century custom that you're going to say is quaint and silly but it's one that I adhere to." 

"And what custom is that?" 

As he redid all the buttons, he said, "Never put out until the third date." 

Jack's libido chilled as if he'd plunged into Arctic waters. "You can't be serious! It's taken us four attempts to get an uneventful date. The next date might well end with Daleks showing up, demanding auditions for the next West End production." He took offense at Ianto's snicker. "It could happen. Actually, given everything we've already gone through, the probability is fairly high it _will_ happen." 

Devilish amusement sparkled in Ianto's eyes. "I really should let you stew a bit longer, Jack. Let the lesson sink in that you shouldn't make decisions that affect us both on your own but that would be punishing me as well." At Jack's puzzled expression, he explained, "You said it yourself. This is our _fourth_ date. Which means ..." 

"Which means," Jack interrupted as he eased Ianto down across the sofa, "we have a missed opportunity to make up for." 

And they proceeded to do just that.


End file.
